Archive for April, 2012


Today I spent an hour and a half chatting with a local pastor about spiritual guidance.  It was wonderful to sit with someone and hear their point of view and what their religion can offer in that journey.  And it was helpful to be able to express what it is I feel I am seeking to someone who has experience in this from their own point of view as well as that of assisting others to find what they seek as well.  And I was reminded that basically Rome wasn’t built in a day so I can’t expect to not only undo a lifetime of unhappiness, recreate it and create a new life of happiness in a few months.  This is the journey of a lifetime which will take a lifetime to experience.  But I have committed to make that journey in whatever form it may take and THAT is the important thing!

I’m not seeking a religion to protect me nor am I trying to shoe-horn myself into any religion in this process.  I am seeking ways that resonate with me on my discovery of a oneness with God.  I accept that I will take bits and pieces of many religious thoughts and practices to make my own version of communion with my Higher Power and I believe that God will accept and appreciate my efforts.  I am unique so why shouldn’t my dialog be unique as well?  God made me the way I am so I know He will accept and celebrate my offering just as every mother does of their child’s offerings of love.  God has created me with strengths and lesser strengths and outright weaknesses for many reasons, this is all a part of His plan for me and the world.

I feel that the search I’ve made through life for a loving male figure and my anger, hurt and disappointment at never having found that to the degree I desire is really a metaphor for the loving figure of my Higher Power.  I am hopeful that once I have begun that connection I will receive the fulfillment that I feel I am missing and then I will be able to finally have wonderfully loving relationships with males in my life.  I’m blessed to have more male friends in my life and the platonic love of friendship is rewarding as well.

My constant prayer to God is to guide me on the path He has chosen for me, to grant me patience and acceptance, trust and faith and to show me the wisdom I seek, to allow me to be a gift to others, to allow me to love and be loved and to feel His presence with me always.


I feel like I’m in quicksand and I’m scared.

I’ve been working very hard on my growth this year and increasingly this past month. I think I’ve overdone it and need to back off for a bit. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I used to think that solitary contemplation would be just the thing I needed to fix my issues. Along with personal development, discovering a spiritual path, prayer and the reading of edifying literature. I had hoped that a retreat to my family’s home for Easter would be beneficial as well. However tonight I feel very fragile again which is something I’ve been trying to fix and avoid.

I did not get the reflective time I had been seeking which made me distracted with my family. I’ve been overtired and under the weather which has lowered my resistance. My family wanted to discuss the end of my friendship with a friend (it was also that person’s birthday this weekend) so that stirred up a lot of things for me. I’m still frustrated at my love life and with my attempts to create a relationship with God. And a situation with the family of a deceased friend has blurred the line between work and friendship. I broke down tonight, not a strong as I hoped I’d be.

I’ve been reading and praying and seeking advice and thinking so much. I’m getting oversaturated and confused, disappointed and lost. I feel like all I’ve done is cry my soul out when all I want to do is find peace and happiness. I feel disappointed and that I am a disappointment. I feel still stuck, like I’m never getting better, never worthy of getting what I want. I feel loose in the breeze, untethered and directionless and not in a good way. I’m helpless and losing hope. This relationship with God was supposed to make me feel better but I keep making the same mistakes. Am I no further ahead than before???

After I calmed down I realized I can rationally find a lesson in the things that have happened. I’ve been able to apologize and ask for forgiveness even when all I wanted to do was backpeddle out of a sticky circumstance and avoid the blame. I recognized that I sometimes seek assurance from the wrong person that I didn’t do anything wrong instead of fixing the mistake directly. I learned to be a better person even when I’ve been terribly hurt by someone and still share good wishes. I’ve begun to question if it’s finally time for a career change. I learned that I have a lot to learn and I can’t rush it. I’ve learned I can’t rush God’s Plan for me: he’s been kind enough to give me the small things like little monetary abundances, the good male platonic friends I’ve wanted and many other gifts but I can’t force Him to give me what I want most. I still don’t understand why I apparently have to experience all these lessons in advance whereas most everyone else gets “on-the-job-training” by learning from relationships. I’m not sure why whenever I ask about my Main Request the roads seem to lead back to a door I just closed. Is this my own directional wishful thinking or truly God’s Plan? Does God have an ironic sense of humor or am I delusional? Am I really having a dialog with God or have I gone crackers?

It’s clear that I’ve pushed myself to a limit or even beyond it this weekend. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, ethically. I’m in dangerous territory and I need to back off a bit. I have some spiritual commitments this week but after that I need a hiatus.

Please pray for me.

On my way home from a weekend away, I stopped at a local mall for a drink and a quick look in a bookstore but ended up getting take-out lunch in the food court even though I really didn’t feel like having anything. On my way out of the parking lot there was a guy with a sign at the intersection asking for help as he was homeless. I don’t usually give in to these types of things but as I drove past I remembered a time when a friend and I had gone to the same food chain for lunch and he bought food for a fellow outside who was down on his luck. I turned around and went back but it seemed that the fellow had gone. I turned around and was going to carry on my trip when I saw him again with a different sign. As he walked by I gave him my lunch. He thanked me and as I drove away I saw him eating the sandwich. It felt like I had had a message to do that kindness today.

What Does God Want?

What do you think He wants?

I’m starting to hear

I’ve been talking to God for a while now and using this as a means to try to figure out things in my life.  I’ve heard that others have been lucky enough to have an actual dialog with God and I was curious as to the form this would take.  And would I ever be lucky enough to experience that as well?

I’ve experienced the abundance aspect of asking of God/the Universe for things such as a free coffee.  I’ve asked for busy workdays or a happy surprise, the sorts of  things that might manifest in anyone’s day, really.  Until yesterday.

Yesterday I was driving on my way to the family farm for Easter holiday weekend and it came to my mind that my former friend’s birthday was Saturday.  I asked God whether or not I should send birthday wishes even though I had ended the friendship.  A few minutes later I passed a vehicle which seemed to be exactly like their work vehicle and though I cannot be sure if it was even them in the truck as it’s a company vehicle, it felt like that was a message for me.  Then this morning when I woke up I asked God again if this was a good idea.  When I turned on my phone I got three reminders that it was their birthday today … even though I had only programmed it into my phone once when I first put them into my contact list.  Okay, God, I think I’ve got the message! LOL  I did send a simple Happy Birthday and received a nice acknowledgement and thank you in return.  I’m glad I listened even though I was worried at how our friendship ended that that could have meant I’d get an unkind response.  But instead I now have a kind interaction to remember instead of the acrimonious one from before.

I don’t know what happens next as only God knows what He has in store for me.  Maybe he wanted me to have a happier ending, maybe he wanted me to try again, maybe…  It’s too soon for me to consider reconciling for the friendship we had is dead and so is the love I had for that person.  They are no longer the person I fell in love with and I’m no longer the person who fell in love with them.  IF we are meant to be in each others’ lives at all, we will have to form another kind of friendship, new from that moment. 

Yet that the relationship falls apart does not mean the relationship has ended. Sometimes things need to fall apart for things to truly fall together for the first time.” — Neale Donald Walsch, What God Wants
IF that is what God and I want.  We’ll have to talk more about that.

Sometimes it feels like God’s greatest gifts go to someone else.

She seemed to have everything I want in life.  She was blessed with a partner, a family, a lovely home.  I have not.  What is it like to have your partner look in your eyes and say “I love you” for the first time?  I don’t know; I’m still waiting.  What is it like to have your partner make a committment to have a life with you?  I don’t know; I’m still waiting.  What is it like to find out you’re expecting your first child and for the two of you to hold it in your arms for the first time?  I don’t know; I’m still waiting.  How about your next child and the next…? Still waiting…  Buying your home, seeing your children grow, developing your family?  I don’t know.  Still waiting.

And then one day everything changes and she has a new partner.  The one I wished I could have had, the one I loved.  I should hate her.

But I don’t.

Instead I am feeling very angry with God for giving everything I’ve asked for to someone else and leaving me to still wait for the same things. I want to scream at her and at God that she had it all and I’m stuck waiting. She got to have the beautiful joys of living life while I’ve spent nights crying myself to sleep, longing for the same things.  She got to transition from one relationship to the next and won the heart of the man I had fallen in love with.  It is said that good things come to those who wait and I am told often how I will receive what I need and deserve from God but it feels unfair and unkind that I have waited all my 38 years for this and still haven’t received it.  I’ve thought that it was because I haven’t made enough of the changes I need to make yet and so I’ve been working hard at making those changes in my life.  And then I wonder just how horrible a person I must be not to have that chance to get what others have who have never made any improvements in their lives.  My mother has always said that people seem to have a different expectation of me than they do of other people, they accept less from those people but always demand more of me.  I sometimes wonder if that means God has something different planned for me.  I could accept that if I knew what and why.

But then that isn’t really faith, is it?

Growth struggle

I have never been accused of being the most patient person in the world.  I am certainly much more patient than I used to be when I was younger but I still suffer from this trait now.  And sometimes as I work on my growth I find the impatience with progress to be a killer.

I know in my mind that real progress takes time and wisdom and knowledge don’t appear overnight.  However I am guilty of the struggle with frustration and anger at myself for not getting “better” faster, for God or the Universe for not bringing me the good things I ask for.  I’m delighted and grateful when I receive the “small” things I’ve asked for and received:  I’ve asked for the gift of a coffee or a tea, I’ve asked for a busy and productive day at work, I’ve asked for good friendship with males to come into my life, I’ve asked for meetings with friends and an increase in my abundance (especially outside of payday! LOL).  And I’ve received all those things and more lately.  And I am truly grateful for it.  But then I find myself slipping a bit out of this place and being that frustrated and angry that I don’t receive what I really desire the most.  I understand it’s taking time and maybe I’m not quite ready yet for it to happen but sometimes I wish God/Universe would just say clearly to me to stop asking for it because I’m not going to get it and here is WHY.  Or, yes, you’re going to get it and here is WHEN so stop pestering!!!  I feel bad to think this way as it occludes the wonderful things I have been receiving but I can only think of it as me falling out of the good habit I’m trying to develop of attracting good things and back into the old habit of being a frustrated victim of circumstance.

I can’t help but think, however, that God/Universe is withholding this thing from me for a reason.  And this makes me feel manipulated if this is the case.  And that makes me feel grumpy with God/Universe (there, I said it!).  I’ve been told recently by people that basically I’m being saved for something bigger than the thing I want.  I’ve been told that I’m the kind of person who in a hundred years people will remember me for what I’ve done and contributed, learned and taught from here on.  And I’ve been told by a woman close to her God that she sees my angel’s wings and it’s not a platitude that she gave me out of comfort but her honest truth and I can do nothing else but believe her earnest and heartfelt words.  She believes I have something to contribute now as a single individual to the world and I have to hope she is right.

The love of my friends in my life is indescribable to me.  Their support through my ups and downs, my “crazy” moments, my sad moments and through my depression and my journey, their lack of judgment and their never-ending hugs have healed so much even when I thought it wasn’t enough.  It far outweighs the loss of a few people who have not, even though their loss has caused me more agony than I thought I could bear.  I have borne it with the faith my friends have shown me.

I still wish for a hint about the status of my request to God/Universe if They are listening… (hint, hint) 😉