I have never been accused of being the most patient person in the world.  I am certainly much more patient than I used to be when I was younger but I still suffer from this trait now.  And sometimes as I work on my growth I find the impatience with progress to be a killer.

I know in my mind that real progress takes time and wisdom and knowledge don’t appear overnight.  However I am guilty of the struggle with frustration and anger at myself for not getting “better” faster, for God or the Universe for not bringing me the good things I ask for.  I’m delighted and grateful when I receive the “small” things I’ve asked for and received:  I’ve asked for the gift of a coffee or a tea, I’ve asked for a busy and productive day at work, I’ve asked for good friendship with males to come into my life, I’ve asked for meetings with friends and an increase in my abundance (especially outside of payday! LOL).  And I’ve received all those things and more lately.  And I am truly grateful for it.  But then I find myself slipping a bit out of this place and being that frustrated and angry that I don’t receive what I really desire the most.  I understand it’s taking time and maybe I’m not quite ready yet for it to happen but sometimes I wish God/Universe would just say clearly to me to stop asking for it because I’m not going to get it and here is WHY.  Or, yes, you’re going to get it and here is WHEN so stop pestering!!!  I feel bad to think this way as it occludes the wonderful things I have been receiving but I can only think of it as me falling out of the good habit I’m trying to develop of attracting good things and back into the old habit of being a frustrated victim of circumstance.

I can’t help but think, however, that God/Universe is withholding this thing from me for a reason.  And this makes me feel manipulated if this is the case.  And that makes me feel grumpy with God/Universe (there, I said it!).  I’ve been told recently by people that basically I’m being saved for something bigger than the thing I want.  I’ve been told that I’m the kind of person who in a hundred years people will remember me for what I’ve done and contributed, learned and taught from here on.  And I’ve been told by a woman close to her God that she sees my angel’s wings and it’s not a platitude that she gave me out of comfort but her honest truth and I can do nothing else but believe her earnest and heartfelt words.  She believes I have something to contribute now as a single individual to the world and I have to hope she is right.

The love of my friends in my life is indescribable to me.  Their support through my ups and downs, my “crazy” moments, my sad moments and through my depression and my journey, their lack of judgment and their never-ending hugs have healed so much even when I thought it wasn’t enough.  It far outweighs the loss of a few people who have not, even though their loss has caused me more agony than I thought I could bear.  I have borne it with the faith my friends have shown me.

I still wish for a hint about the status of my request to God/Universe if They are listening… (hint, hint) 😉