I feel like I’m in quicksand and I’m scared.

I’ve been working very hard on my growth this year and increasingly this past month. I think I’ve overdone it and need to back off for a bit. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I used to think that solitary contemplation would be just the thing I needed to fix my issues. Along with personal development, discovering a spiritual path, prayer and the reading of edifying literature. I had hoped that a retreat to my family’s home for Easter would be beneficial as well. However tonight I feel very fragile again which is something I’ve been trying to fix and avoid.

I did not get the reflective time I had been seeking which made me distracted with my family. I’ve been overtired and under the weather which has lowered my resistance. My family wanted to discuss the end of my friendship with a friend (it was also that person’s birthday this weekend) so that stirred up a lot of things for me. I’m still frustrated at my love life and with my attempts to create a relationship with God. And a situation with the family of a deceased friend has blurred the line between work and friendship. I broke down tonight, not a strong as I hoped I’d be.

I’ve been reading and praying and seeking advice and thinking so much. I’m getting oversaturated and confused, disappointed and lost. I feel like all I’ve done is cry my soul out when all I want to do is find peace and happiness. I feel disappointed and that I am a disappointment. I feel still stuck, like I’m never getting better, never worthy of getting what I want. I feel loose in the breeze, untethered and directionless and not in a good way. I’m helpless and losing hope. This relationship with God was supposed to make me feel better but I keep making the same mistakes. Am I no further ahead than before???

After I calmed down I realized I can rationally find a lesson in the things that have happened. I’ve been able to apologize and ask for forgiveness even when all I wanted to do was backpeddle out of a sticky circumstance and avoid the blame. I recognized that I sometimes seek assurance from the wrong person that I didn’t do anything wrong instead of fixing the mistake directly. I learned to be a better person even when I’ve been terribly hurt by someone and still share good wishes. I’ve begun to question if it’s finally time for a career change. I learned that I have a lot to learn and I can’t rush it. I’ve learned I can’t rush God’s Plan for me: he’s been kind enough to give me the small things like little monetary abundances, the good male platonic friends I’ve wanted and many other gifts but I can’t force Him to give me what I want most. I still don’t understand why I apparently have to experience all these lessons in advance whereas most everyone else gets “on-the-job-training” by learning from relationships. I’m not sure why whenever I ask about my Main Request the roads seem to lead back to a door I just closed. Is this my own directional wishful thinking or truly God’s Plan? Does God have an ironic sense of humor or am I delusional? Am I really having a dialog with God or have I gone crackers?

It’s clear that I’ve pushed myself to a limit or even beyond it this weekend. Emotionally, physically, spiritually, ethically. I’m in dangerous territory and I need to back off a bit. I have some spiritual commitments this week but after that I need a hiatus.

Please pray for me.