It has been the better part of a year since I blogged.  It has been a long time.

Over the course of the past year I have been on a self-directed educational experience through my inner self towards my higher self.  I have read over 60 different books this year ( — some fiction but the majority are spiritually education based — that have all taught me something to add to my knowledge.  I am grateful for every book as it is a step removed from actually sitting in the presence of each of these teachers and learning from their wisdom.  Sometimes it would not be possible to literally sit at their feet so this is a wonderful gift of accessing their thoughts.

As the year comes to a close I am reflecting on the changes in my life over the past 12 months.  I have seen some wonderful changes, I have seen some of the darkest periods of my soul.  I experienced intense suffering when one relationship ended and the excitement of experiencing a new one to the frustration of not receiving what I need and want out of it and now not being sure what comes next.  I have felt what I thought was intense love but think now was merely an addiction to a person but now I feel a bigger love for people.  My relationship has given me calmness and I have learned patience.  We have no major “drama” except what I occasionally poke at when I’m feeling most vulnerable, frustrated and impatient.  He is always calm and forgiving but at the same time is indecisive under stress and has too many things on his plate so I feel like the last priority in his life.   I have a deep fondness and encompassing love for him but do not have the attachment or addiction.  I will be okay at the end of this relationship, whenever and however that happens.

My work has proved to be a blessing and a curse.  I have been transferred from doctor to doctor and experienced major drama because of it.  I was even transferred out-of-town for a period of time and considering making it a permanent move but my gut said that this was not a good decision and it proved to be accurate.  I am glad that I did not take the job but now am frustrated at where I am in my career.  I had another opportunity offered but which could not happen and I held on to make that happen when I perhaps could have moved on.  Increasing pressure, over work, stress and frustration in my current assignment has caused a “relapse” to my old stress-filled, panicked and depressed ways but I have been working on coming out of this pattern sooner than I would have done before.  Changes at work are starting to help at last although it’s frustrating that the situation had to get to a certain point before things could improve.  It’s the way of the current world that things have to fall apart before people will fix it rather than doing preventative measures in the first place.

I have continued to ponder my place in the world and what my role is in it.  I often considered what my life question is and what am I to learn and experience in order to address the need.  I have had struggles with my “wants” and what is needed of me.  I feel still a great longing for a partner and a family and when I am low I mourn the fact that I do not have this in my life.  Sometimes I think that there is no bigger or more important job than raising children and therefore God must have a much less important job for me to do.  Or that God doesn’t think I’m up to the task.  And sometimes I play with the thought that I was a parent in a past life and will be again in another so I’m getting this one off for good behavior!  LOL  I have found something of an alternative in that I have joined the Big Sisters and I have a Little Sister with whom I spend time and try to teach the things I would have taught my own children.  It was a long journey to get this match and there were things that frustrated progress in the beginning, but it is starting to make progress.  In some small way I can make a difference here.

Part of my education has been to determine that Life’s Question and the role I have in this world.  I am starting to consider that perhaps it is to be a healer and teacher, the proverbial “wise woman” (hope I don’t have to grow the warts to go along with the stereotypical witchy woman guise!).  As I read and learn I sometimes despair that thousands of wise people have come before me and therefore all the wise thoughts must have been thought already so what’s the point?  Like Alexander who wept when there were no more worlds left to conquer, I feel like the explorer with nothing to discover, the scientist who has classified everything.  But perhaps it’s like the doctor who keeps having to treat the same conditions over and over because people still keep doing the same things that cause the conditions and don’t change anything.  But I have learned from allowing myself to experience suffering that I want to alleviate suffering in others.  I have learned there is a big difference between pain which we all experience and suffering which is something we choose to experience.  Many people in pain do not suffer, they just experience pain.  And in order to alleviate suffering I had to know suffering of my own devising.  For it is so that one must know dark before you can appreciate light, hot before cold, sad before happy.  So in order to teach people how to heal from suffering I must have known suffering and empathy for their experience.  And I must learn how to be free from suffering myself before I can show others how to get to that same point.  All wise thoughts may have been thought, there may be no such thing as nine bars of original music left to compose so what is left is to synthesize these thoughts through each of our experiences and add our wisdom as we pass it on to those who come next.  Our job is to add to the collective knowledge not through flashy discoveries of new planets or a newly discovered pocket of a previously extinct species but through each of our own experiences and perceptions.  I have always said our obligation in life is to share what we know.  And I now know we must share that with love.  We must transcend what has held us back in the past and must “boldly go where no-one has gone before”.  By doing this we will discover our higher selves and experience our higher existence.

I am a teacher and a healer, I am the taught and the healed.  And so are you.