Category: General


What Does God Want?

What do you think He wants?

Art

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/cosm-the-movie/

Some amazing art and commentary on a higher consciousness.

I wish…

…I never cried another tear again. I wish I didn’t long so much for what I don’t have. I wish I would be content with what I have. I wish I didn’t know what I was missing. I wish God or the gods or a higher power would erase it all from my brain. I wish I never hear again the well-meant words that what I desire is just around the next corner when I’ve been going around the corners for years and it’s never there; in fact it’s always empty around the next corner. I wish I’d stop hoping that it will happen soon. I wish I could just leave it all behind me and serve a higher purpose.

I wish wishes were real.

When I started on my road to self-improvement I knew I was doing it for myself but I’ve since realized a mistake I had made: I hoped people would notice and approve. I thought I was doing all the right things but I got stuck in the trap of also seeking validation and approval from others over myself. And not only others, someone in particular. And for no other reason than wanting approval from a male source.

I am surrounded by female support in my life. It hasn’t always been the way for I never had many female friends before, somehow being on the fringes of hanging with boys, or more likely, being on my own. It wasn’t until I began working in a field where my co-workers are all female that I began to make close friendships with women. Until then I always said I was in touch more with my masculine side than my feminine. I tried to cultivate a male approach to counteract my “soft female tendencies”. It was also to seek the approval of my dead father who had wanted sons.

As I’ve spent a lot of time this past year with women of my own broad age group, I’ve seen my feminine side grow and develop. I realized in some ways I don’t understand male behavior but at other times I do. Sometimes I don’t understand female behavior either!! Lol. But I have received so much loving, feminine support for which I am truly grateful. But something seemed missing: I was unbalanced in male support. And I had mistaken approval for support.

I thought if I could be “good enough” to gain the approval of my male friends (who are sadly few in number) then I could fill the hole of missing male “love” in my life (not necessarily the romantic kind here though I do miss that as well). If a male I respected and looked up to felt I was good enough at last then I’d be lovable and whole at last. I placed my self-worth in someone else’s hands. And it’s not even like they asked for it!

I’d like to know when people notice change in me so I can gauge my growth and be joyful in seeing how far I’ve come. It’s like not seeing a child for six months: you see big changes but the parent doesn’t because it’s so gradual and the child is seen everyday. Often we cannot see those tiny, gradual changes on our own but need someone to show them to us.

A man cannot make me whole; only I can make me whole. A partner can make the trip deeply meaningful. I no longer need male approval, but I still hope for a connection with a life companion. Right now I need to find where I’ve been hiding so he can find me when the time is right. ūüôā

Magic

I love magic.¬† I enjoy the child-like wonder of watching the conjurer weave his spell to entertain and amaze the audience.¬† Of COURSE my logical mind wants to know how it is done but at the same time I don’t want to lose that wonder so I allow a suspension of belief when watching magic.¬† I’m currently watching a documentary series on the history of magic, aptly entitled History of Magic ( http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/history-of-magic/¬†).¬† It’s interesting to learn about the history of the art but at the same time I’m glad it doesn’t give too much away as to how things are done.¬† The truth is a closely guarded secret in the business and this is a good thing because if we knew how it was all done we would lose that most potent of magic: the ability to touch our inner child, to be amazed and to truly believe without question.¬† And be utterly full of joy at the experience.

Having confronted death at a young and impressionable age, I’ve often wondered how it has shaped my views on life and death.¬† Added to that is my career in the medical field where one has to be more emotionally reserved about this event or one will be overwhelmed completely.

To those who know me well know that my father died when I was 13 from cancer.¬† He had developed this disease and let it go untreated until hope for a good outcome was past.¬† We always felt he was too stubborn to get the care earlier but perhaps he was just stuck in fear of what was to come and couldn’t bring himself to act sooner.¬† Or perhaps he wanted to die, “suicide by untreated terminal disease”?¬† I can never know his thoughts and reasoning on his decisions, nor the regrets or happy memories he had because he is not here to share them.¬† But something I’d forgotten in the years since then buried amongst the emotional pain I carried and the feeling of utter abandonment by him in dying early, was that through his illness he had wanted me to act as a nurse for him.¬† After his surgery to remove his tumor he wanted me to dress the wound, treat the hematomas¬†under the skin even when qualified nurses and medical personnel were available to us.¬† He wanted me to go with to fetch him from the Cancer Clinic.¬† When I was sick with a cold he wanted to give me his medicated cough syrup to use as the cancer spread to his lungs.¬† In these ways I remember that he tried through actions to say the things I wanted to hear him say.

When I decided to further my education I decided to take job-specific training and I recall being in the facility’s office considering my career choices and I almost immediately selected that of Medical Office Assistant.¬† I knew it was a secure choice as we will always have doctors and therefore will always need assistants.¬† I had an interest in science in school but never enough to consider being a nurse or doctor.¬† In fact in school I had been dead set on being a librarian!¬† I didn’t want to go into animal medicine for though I love animals, I am too emotionally affected by them.¬† So working with humans seemed the logical choice.

Several years ago my grandpa suffered several health scares and my mother relied on me to be the decision maker.¬† She had always been strong through my father’s illness and death and it seemed to be that she was feeling unable to do it again as she faced her own father’s mortality.¬† But my years of working in the medical field and losing my own father early, I find I am able to face it more logically and realistically and with less high emotion than I do other areas of my life.¬† Maybe I appear cold, I don’t know.¬† It’s not that I feel no emotion, it’s just that I also feel that when the sick have passed they are no longer suffering and have been set free which makes me happy.¬† I believe in QUALITY of life over QUANTITY of life.¬† Unfortunately those who push for quantity of someone else’s life are being selfish.¬† I know that when my quality of life has deteriorated to a certain point then I will not want to continue living in this body but wish to be set free.

I know that when I die I don’t want a grand funeral.¬† After all, a funeral is for the living and though it appeals to my ego to speculate how many people would come and be sad at my death, I also figure that if they cared enough about me at all then they should be making every effort to enjoy me while I’m still alive!

But every time we lose someone from our lives our own worlds get a little worse … for a while.¬† We have to remember that it is only their bodies which are gone from us but that a part of them lives on inside of us.¬† We remember the lessons taught, the memories made and the chance to love each other.¬† You live as long as you are remembered.

Yesterday I attended¬†the service for a friend’s mother at the United Church in Mission.¬† It was a touching tribute for someone I only met once or twice but who had clearly affected many lives.¬† I am usually an instant crier at funerals but this time I was not sad for the passing but felt an incredible joy at looking at the happy pictures of this lady and hearing the recounting of her life.¬† I felt tears¬† spring to my eyes but I smiled thinking of her, knowing of her many health issues which reminded me of my own grandmother and both of their constitutions of iron willpower to keep living until their physical bodies could no longer match that determination of will.¬† And it touched me greatly to see my friends whom I have known from Grade 8, who I have never seen shed a tear in all those years, with tears coursing down their faces at the loss of their friend as well.

And while I was sitting in the church waiting for the service to begin I remembered that this was the very church in which my own father’s funeral was held in 1987 and though I have been in the hall several times recently, I had no actual memory of being inside the church itself.¬† But I will now.

On blogging

I’ve been warned to be cautious when blogging certain things in public in case the wrong people read it.¬† My thought on that is this:¬† what if the RIGHT people read it?

Blogging from my phone

Trying out WordPress for my phone … So Testing, can you read me now??

“You deserve to wear a smile in your heart. Not because of what you have or what you do, but because of who you are. Yes you are changing each day but you are always amazing just as you are.” -Anonymous