There comes a time in every relationship where you reach the tipping point and have to decide if it’s worth saving or if you have to let it go. It’s not always an easy decision although sometimes it is very necessary.
I finally came to the decision that I had to end an intimate friendship that had grown to become dysfunctional between us. I had tried to end it a couple of times before but the other person wouldn’t allow me to. The first time they responded with anger and made me feel shamed so that I begged for them to take me back. Later when I tried passively withdrawing and becoming more distant, they drew me back in with words of their need and value of our relationship. I obliged even though it was becoming more painful and dysfunctional for me, partly because I hoped it was true and partly because I feel so much loving compassion that I wanted to heal the hurt this person had known. At last I finally decided that it was too uncomfortable and too dysfunctional for me to continue to make myself suffer at their expense so I was direct and honest and said the relationship was over. I decided to do it in what I hoped was a compassionate and honorable way: I did it when I knew their new partner would be nearby for support and I made no blame, called no names, wished them happiness and kept it brief. I felt a sense of relief and goodness for finally having done it afterwards and thought I was free to move on. I was wrong.
For some reason it took several days for me to receive a message they had sent me the next day. The message was full of hurt and anger, designed to make me feel shamed and to hurt me. On the phone this person had appeared to take the news well enough and offered to be there for me whenever I needed them in the future. But the message was exactly the opposite. I was told all of my problems and that I was basically sick, that they had done so much for me and couldn’t help me anymore, said that our brief romantic relationship was a meaningless affair, that they were basically doing me a favor by being friends with me afterwards and that I’m jealous because I can’t have them and if it hurts then too bad for me as they have found someone else. It’s clear this person did not handle my rejection of them very well, even though I was repeatedly rejected by them throughout our relationship/friendship.
My pain over this has been deep and to my core. What is the most painful is how they mocked and belittled my love for them. We had met as they were getting out of a long-term relationship and they used me to feel better. Later I felt used in being around them and someone who turns out to be their partner which was a secret so it feels like I was there to legitimize their relationship, a sort of chaperone for them. And I truly loved this person. I may have been foolish enough to hope they would change their mind and return that love for me but that doesn’t change the fact I loved this person with all my heart and it meant nothing, less than nothing because they so cruelly killed that love within me. And they have not recognized that I have done the kinder thing by stepping aside so that they are free to pursue their life without the vestiges of a wasted affair hanging around on the outskirts of life, sadly looking in at what can never be.
This person seems to think that I’m doing this because I’m in a deep depression again but this is far from the case. I know that my depression has been the worst it has been in years over the past year we have known each other and I feel it is related to that relationship. I have been working hard the past few months to change myself, improve myself and fix my problems so that I can move beyond the patterns that keep me where I have been stuck all my life. This person has given me no credit that I can and have changed. They have fancied themselves to be a kind of personal guru to me and now that I no longer need that, now that I’ve taken them off the worshipful pedestal, the dynamic has changed. I’m a stronger person thanks to my work, thanks to my supports from true and loving friends who return my love, see my value, cherish my gifts. I am so very thankful for these, the true loves in my life.
My former friend’s new love will not be without challenges, their new partner is coming out of a long-term marriage with children involved. My former friend may now get the chance to be in my position when they got out of their long-term relationship; they are ready for a serious relationship and their partner might not be. It is uncharitable to wish the same pain I have felt upon them, although I hope they learn a lesson from this, I hope they learn not to play with the loving feelings someone carried for them. I feel compassion for them but my love is dead and can never return even if one day in the future our paths cross again. I have taken steps to ensure that will not happen. My heart is empty towards them and can never be filled with anything but compassion. If one day they change their minds and truly see my value and how precious I am then they will have to carry the hope throughout their life that maybe in the next life we will have another chance, as in this one the chance is lost.
As for me, I am free.