Tonight I finished reading Abbot Christopher Jamison’s book Finding Happiness.  I feel as though my entire being has been ripped out to my core.  I have never known this stark of a feeling before.  I have known emotional agony but never this kind of feeling.

I am now able to put a name to so many of the feelings and outcomes in my life that I couldn’t acknowledge before.  Naming them makes them real.  And in naming them and understanding them in the gentle and loving way that Abbot Christopher writes of them has made me realize that I am normal, I am human.  Just like everyone else, just like those people who pursue a life-long spiritual quest via their chosen religion.  We all make the same mistakes and we all get up and try again.  And when people in my life have cast stones at me for my failings they have failed to see that we are both human, we both make mistakes and we both can become better people if we only decide to make that choice.

Although I am experiencing a starkness I’ve never known before I am not cold or empty or hopeless.  I am able to see with better clarity.  I’m experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil today as I go through this process, dealing with deep and fundamental feelings.  It has put my energy out of balance and made me angry and frustrated at the wrong people sometimes.  And it’s uncomfortable and I don’t like it.  But I am not dead inside, I am not empty — more “cleared out”, like a room that has been emptied of the old furniture in readiness for the installation of the new.  I am far from finished my clearing out process but the room is getting bare, ready to be swept clean and filled again with bright, new furnishings for the future.

I can do this.