Sometimes it feels like God’s greatest gifts go to someone else.

She seemed to have everything I want in life.  She was blessed with a partner, a family, a lovely home.  I have not.  What is it like to have your partner look in your eyes and say “I love you” for the first time?  I don’t know; I’m still waiting.  What is it like to have your partner make a committment to have a life with you?  I don’t know; I’m still waiting.  What is it like to find out you’re expecting your first child and for the two of you to hold it in your arms for the first time?  I don’t know; I’m still waiting.  How about your next child and the next…? Still waiting…  Buying your home, seeing your children grow, developing your family?  I don’t know.  Still waiting.

And then one day everything changes and she has a new partner.  The one I wished I could have had, the one I loved.  I should hate her.

But I don’t.

Instead I am feeling very angry with God for giving everything I’ve asked for to someone else and leaving me to still wait for the same things. I want to scream at her and at God that she had it all and I’m stuck waiting. She got to have the beautiful joys of living life while I’ve spent nights crying myself to sleep, longing for the same things.  She got to transition from one relationship to the next and won the heart of the man I had fallen in love with.  It is said that good things come to those who wait and I am told often how I will receive what I need and deserve from God but it feels unfair and unkind that I have waited all my 38 years for this and still haven’t received it.  I’ve thought that it was because I haven’t made enough of the changes I need to make yet and so I’ve been working hard at making those changes in my life.  And then I wonder just how horrible a person I must be not to have that chance to get what others have who have never made any improvements in their lives.  My mother has always said that people seem to have a different expectation of me than they do of other people, they accept less from those people but always demand more of me.  I sometimes wonder if that means God has something different planned for me.  I could accept that if I knew what and why.

But then that isn’t really faith, is it?